Soul SiStories
Soul SiStories was born out of a mutual desire to bring forward hope and healing through sharing our lived experiences. Hope is embracing life despite adversity. Hope is our reason.
Soul SiStories
The Thorny Path to Compassion: Trisha DiFazio on Growth and Empowerment
Trisha DiFazio, an award-winning screenwriter and former educator, joins us for a riveting conversation that begins with a seemingly whimsical encounter with a psychic medium and unfolds into a journey of introspection and personal growth. Her insightful reflections on navigating life's thorns—quite literally, through garden metaphors—offer listeners a chance to reconsider their own perspectives and pathways. From the neutrality of life's challenges to the art of self-compassion, Trisha imparts invaluable lessons that resonate far beyond the realm of screenwriting, touching on the universal human experience of facing and overcoming adversity.
This episode ventures into the heart of emotional regulation and self-awareness, especially within educational settings. Trisha recounts her transformative experiences that highlight the inadequacy of punitive measures and how embracing a compassionate approach can empower young voices. Through personal anecdotes and thoughtful analogies, we explore the vital role of social-emotional learning, advocating for educational practices that equip individuals to handle emotional distress with grace and resilience. Our discussion shines a light on how fostering supportive environments can build trust and nurture connections, proving to be far more effective than fear-based strategies.
Rounding off with engaging stories of unexpected life shifts, we delve into the mysterious ways the universe can guide us toward our true purpose. Trisha’s own story of burnout and recovery underscores the importance of aligning with one’s passions and listening to the body's cues, while also celebrating the power of storytelling to connect generations and inspire hope. We close with a touch of humor and aspiration as we imagine the perfect walk-in song for an award ceremony and dream of leaving a legacy that transforms children's education. Tune in for an episode filled with wisdom, warmth, and a touch of magic.
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Welcome to Soul Sisteries. The truth to her soul, the truth to her own inspiration, following through and making it happen. She inspires the heck out of me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. You know we ask her what is inspiring, or what or who are inspiring for her, and I'm just inspired by her story, her professional development and how that has changed over time, but also just her personal development, her spiritual development. I loved that shift in perspective which you know was so important to me. A lot of what she said resonated with me and I do know that we'll have her back because I want to talk to her some more.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. And when we get to the point where she's talking about talking to her 13-year-old self and what she would say, man, I felt that to my core, it's resonating in me still.
Speaker 2:So I want everybody to hear that about the work she's done for educators that you know, educators of young children with the emotional regulation work, and I'm just thinking, well, shoot, can I just take some of your work and bring it to my students as I teach counselors who work at work in the school system. You know, I think there's some value there also.
Speaker 1:For sure she's got some great stuff out there and for sure we'll get it in your hands, because I think it's worth sharing and the more people who know it the better. So everybody listen in. Trisha DeFazio Can't wait.
Speaker 2:Welcome everybody to Soul Sisteries. Here we are today with Trricia DeFazio. Tricia is an award-winning screenwriter and published author. She joined the Writers Guild in 2023 and currently has a TV comedy series in development at Amazon Studios. In 2020, she won the LA LGBT Screenwriting Contest for Best Feature Screenplay. Tricia is a former public school teacher and USC professor. She is passionate about creating inclusive stories that move people, and here we are, with Tricia and her pup in the background. Hello, that's Winston.
Speaker 3:He's a Chihuahua Pitbull. So if you hear him, it's because he's got a lot of personality.
Speaker 2:Awesome Winston. Good to have Winston joining us.
Speaker 3:Yes, Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1:Yay, I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for joining us. We're so excited to talk with you and your hope through the word is perspective, which we love, and we can't wait to hear more about your perspective on perspective and hope. So let's start there. Let's start with you, tricia, talking to us about why. Why is perspective?
Speaker 3:the hope through word. First of all, thank you guys so much for having me on. I'm so honored to be here and get this opportunity to chat with you all today and also learn from you, donna. I I mean, the other day when we were talking I was like, oh, donna's got such an amazing story. I'm so happy that they have a podcast, cause it's like so important the work that you guys are doing in the conversations that you're having.
Speaker 3:And so when I was thinking about my, my, um, hope through, I was like what word Cause? I was like, is it hope through presence? And then I felt like that's great, but is that me? No, I struggle very much with being present, I think, as we all do. And then I was trying to think of what was the, the, the best tool that I've picked up on on my journey through what was?
Speaker 3:You know, I had a challenging burnout experience where I got very, very sick for a long time. That like brought me into a bunch of different healing modalities, and we know that, like you, don't come upon a healing modality unless something has really gone off the rails in your life. There are very few people living in a comfortable, calm existence who are like let me try somatic healing. It's usually like the hard thing that sends you on the path, but we have such a aversion to the hard thing, right, right. So when I was this is so super random, I can't believe I'm sharing this story but I was having an emotional breakdown the other day in my yard and just started hacking it, like all these plants, and was like clearing all this overgrowth and I knew that there were vines in there that had really sharp thorns on them and I still attacked so aggressively, knowing that there were thorns in there and knowing that I was going to get cut up. But I was like well, I got to get this done and I don't have enough time to weed out the thorns. And then I was like getting like bloodied.
Speaker 3:And then I had this moment where I'm like why am I pushing myself through this pain when I could just slow down and take the time and be gentle with these thorns and respect that this plant has thorns for an important reason and that it is completely neutral. This is not. These thorns are not like here to personally attack me. If anything, I am infringing upon their very peaceful existence right now. But the amount of time that I spent out there cutting up my hands and being like it's the price I have to pay for this removal. It brought me into, like Tricia, the way you're thinking about this is like so unhelpful You're.
Speaker 3:Also I was like, maybe respect the thorns, maybe be gentle with yourself and with them, and I slowly went through and just started removing all the thorns and having like this beautiful, like oh, this is what the monks are talking about when they're like gardening with intention and stuff, which was I got this beautiful lesson in that, that, that very sort of you know mundane daily thing, which is like, oh, my perspective had to shift and it completely changed my experience. And so I now telling myself respect the thorns and be gentle with them. And there's been a lot of times and I'm sure you guys can relate to this, we all can where maybe we're not even noticing the thorns or this idea that we have to like push through and be productive was like one of those problematic perspectives that I had. That was that has not served me in a lot of ways in my life and led to like a pretty substantial burnout in my early 30s that took me completely out of my life but eventually put me like back on the course that I should have been on, which is how all these big life events, whether it's like death or loss or illness, and so some of the perspective pieces that I that I've picked up from that are like practice, the pause right when something happens and you're like amygdala is on fire with emotion, you feel a strong emotional reaction.
Speaker 3:My perspective now and it didn't used to be as like do not act in that big emotion.
Speaker 3:You have to give it like, at the very least, give it 90 seconds to move through you, cause you're going to fire off a text message or an email that you're probably going to regret.
Speaker 3:One of my favorite quotes is like when you act in anger, it usually ends in shame.
Speaker 3:And if you go back and think of like every time you responded when you were angry, you were embarrassed and I like kind of did this laundry list of mine and I was like yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, or you misrepresent yourself. Like you know, you get an email at work and you're like this person didn't do and you're like fire off that email and now you kind of look like a jerk, but really you were just like this hits my injustice bone and it's been there since I was a child and you know it's like that's not even about you. So I think a lot of practicing the pause which is in our social emotional learning book that my best friend and coauthor, alison Rosen, and I wrote for students, teachers and parents, where we talk about emotional regulation, because I think, when you look at like our, all of our what are the skills we most need as human beings versus, like you know, my background as an educator, versus what's being taught at school, why aren't we teaching kids how to handle pain?
Speaker 3:Why don't we teach kids how to handle? We're all going to lose somebody. None of us are going to make it out of this alive. We're all going to suffer devastatingly painful the loss of loved ones. We're going to suffer broken hearts. Why are we providing the tools for the most essential heart, like we know that's coming? I think, like the Pythagorean theorem is so important, but I also know that I don't need it when my heart is broken and I'm ripping thorns out of my yard, and so that, I think, is why we've been drawn to do that. The work of social emotional learning, which is like helping kids and adults regulate their emotions and like understand themselves better, so much of like the curriculum, is about learning about things outside of ourselves. Why aren't we learning about us? Right, like what? What happened in my life that made me think I need to rip up my hands to get this job done?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want to take every word of what you just said. I'm like imprinting it.
Speaker 3:I know.
Speaker 1:Sorry, the coffee kicked in. It's in our Reiki language. I'm going to shokure the heck out of that.
Speaker 3:That's right.
Speaker 2:That's exactly right. Yeah, oh, that's good stuff. That's right, that's exactly right. Yeah, oh, that's good stuff. And we have three of us sitting here that are all educators in one way or another, and to just share that, my gosh, you brought up the emotional regulation, and that's what I've been saying for years as a social worker and a therapist is why are we not teaching these in schools? Why are we leaving it to be after the fact, after you know somebody collapses, after somebody has the breakdown? Why are we waiting, then, when we could have been using all these years taking care?
Speaker 3:like building the connections with our kids, or either we spend the time making the investment and building the connections or we spend the time dealing with, like, the results of the disconnection. Either way we spend the time. So I kind of mangled that. Sorry, Pamela, but it's this idea that and I see this so much it's like at the end of a school day, you can have 10 people in a room who have, you know, combined $2 million in student loan debt and 87 advanced degrees. All try to figure out why Tyler hit Joey. But if anybody took the time to realize that Tyler didn't have breakfast that morning, was up very late, has a stepbrother who is constantly hitting him and who doesn't have like the vocabulary language, doesn't know how to ask for help and cannot regulate and felt like Joey, you know, taking his cell phone, which is more valuable to him than anything in his life. He was completely justified in hitting him and he doesn't have. So and guess what, when he hits someone, they punish him but they don't give him a replacement behavior which is to manage your. So this, this like idea of like I'm going to threaten you know, don't hit him, or I'm going to hit you, which is how I think a lot of us grew up, is it just? We know from the research now, and also our basic intuition, that that doesn't work. I always give this example in teacher trainings about. You know, there's something. This is probably a bad word for it, but it's very like seductive to think that you can punish a behavior out because it does work very quickly. So let's say, for example, the job is to get a rabbit to get into a hole. Maybe it's a state standard, I don't know. But okay, cool, what's the fastest, easiest way to get the rabbit in the hole is I'm going to take a huge stick and I'm going to go rabbit and that rabbit's going to run in the hole. And guess what? Checks marks the box. But that rabbit hates me, the hole itself, and trembles every time it sees the stick. Versus cool, Now maybe I'll put a couple of carrots in that hole. Bribery, that's another good one, right? Hey, hey, rabbit, come over here. And the rabbit's like sweet carrots. But now the next time I say, hey, rabbit, can you go over to that hole, that rabbit looks in that hole and goes where are my carrots? And I go oh gosh, I'm so sorry, here are your carrots. And they go. No see, first time was five carrots. Now I need you to double the carrots, because there's no value in this whole. It's just in your community. This is like when we bribe kids to do well, we're saying studying for the constitution tense is such drudgery that only this amount of chocolate could get you to that point. Versus what is the most effective, and which takes this a little bit more time, is to show that rabbit. Hey, come check out this hole with me. Here's what it's cool for you can sleep there, you could read there, you can feel safe there, you can hang out there. Oh, you're scared about going there. Well, let's go in it together. See, look, we're in the hole. It's great right Now. Next time you want to nap or hang out, why don't you give it a shot?
Speaker 3:And so when I was telling the story in Kentucky to a group of counselors and I was saying the thing about the stick works, but the stick is scary, these two women shared. This. One lady said when I was young, I got hit with a comb, and that's, I've had short hair my whole life and I don't use a comb. And this other lady said when I was young, I got hit with a cutting board and I cut all my children's food on paper plates. I won't use a cutting board. And we all had this moment where we were like, oh yeah, Right, so there's sometimes the better way, just as goes back to like making that investment. It just takes a little bit more time. And there's this like whole contingent of people who are like we're being so soft on these kids, we're like buddy. The research is clear demonstrative love and care Right.
Speaker 1:That little time, that little time we know you spend that little time, that little time we know you spend that little time here, yeah, trying on the back end to fix all sorts of ills and programming, oh all that stuff. And if only, if only we had spent that little time with that love and care up front. Well, yeah, exactly right, true. Again and again and again, we have this proven for ourselves to be true.
Speaker 3:And yeah sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hmm, that's good stuff, my friend. Thank you for all of that, for all beautiful sharing and wisdom. I'm going to ruminate on all of that, but so what I want to know before we go any further further is here you are with these thoughts, inspirations and this lifetime of stuff that you have evolved to and brought about. But what got you here, like, what is the origin? What puts you on the trajectory that brings you where you are today?
Speaker 3:Oh, I mean, there's like two answers to that. The first one is I was 29 and I was a teacher in the suburbs of Chicago, teaching in a public school. I was content. I wasn't super happy, my love life was kind of a mess. I came to California for a bachelorette party. I was on the beach, in Venice beach, and my heart did this like you would be happy here, and I was like you be quiet. My heart was like no, really, like I felt so drawn, so pulled and and I was like you be quiet my heart's like no, for real, listen to me.
Speaker 3:And I'm like you don't have any money. I'm looking down at my chest, like stop talking to me like that. Like this is, everybody loves the Pacific coast. Like this is a pipe dream. And I talked myself out of it because my conditioning was like you can't live here, it's expensive, we're in a recession. You're a teacher, you're on vacation, go back home and do your job. So I don't utter a word of it to anybody. I go to a little teacher happy hour, as we do and deserve. And a friend of mine said, hey, there's a psychic medium here. She's doing teacher. You know we got the teacher discount and I, you know we got the teacher discount and I was like, oh sweet, I'm here for it now.
Speaker 3:At the time, in my 29th year on the planet, I'm like healthfully skeptical. Right, I'll go get my palm read. But usually the thing that um kind of separates the charlatans from like who are, I think, legitimate intuitives is when I say, tell me about my love life and they say, oh, he's tall, dark, and'm like, well, is he a woman? Because I'm a lesbian. And how did you not know that? I'm pretty sure it was in my aura. So I see this woman and she takes one look at me and this is it. She's like going up the stairs to get ready for her stuff and she goes oh, you're going to be fun. And I was like weird, but also nailed it. So I run up the stairs and I sit down in front of her and her name's Delphine, and of course it is. And before I'm even like situated in the chair, she goes. This time next year you're going to be living in Southern California. You know that, don't you? And I was like get out of my brain, lady. Like I didn't tell anybody that. I said that's impossible. She goes why? And I said I have no money. I have student loan. I have student loan debts for my master's degree. I'll be paying till I'm 45 years old and my whole family's here I'm. I have a tenure teaching job. I have a apartment and a lease. I have a car I have to pay for.
Speaker 3:She's like, okay, hang on. So she's doing her stuff. She goes. I'm getting that these are all going to unplug from you in some somehow, some way, and you're going to have a window of opportunity to go and that's your window. She goes because she did this thing where she was like with her hands, like did a measuring thing. You will be, you will be happier there. And I'm like, wow, that's crazy. Also, this could just be a self-fulfilling prophecy, cause, like you told me that now I move.
Speaker 3:So I was being very skeptical and then I was like, okay, and then I go, how about my love life, delfina? And I'm waiting for her to say his name's John and he's an accounting. She says they're telling me if you move, you get the girl. And I was like I'm moving truly, truly, truly truly. And so I mean, through a fluke series of events that I will not bore everybody with, that was like my tenure getting reversed to me, getting some check for, uh, they'd been garnishing some health insurance money. So I had some money come in.
Speaker 3:My aunt went like some sort of lottery bingo. She paid off my car, I got out of my lease, I got my tenure and it was like the summer was here and I moved. And then, um, I got here and I'm like, all right, delphina, where's she at? And she goes uh, you got to write it down, you're going to write down everything you want. You have to believe she exists for us. She goes part of you doesn't think you're going to find what you're looking for. So I write it all down.
Speaker 3:Um, and then, like three months later, I meet a teacher at a bar and I'm like, oh my gosh, I think this is her. And we went on a date and I said remind me to tell you something in three months. And three months later her thing went off. We were still together and I said, I think I weird-scienced you and I think that you're my person. And then, three years later, when we got married, on the top of big bear mountain, who officiated our wedding? Delfina the psychic medium, and my mom from Chicago was so mad that I had a psychic and it was like, oh my gosh, amazing, Amazing.
Speaker 3:So shout, shout out to delphina, who's awesome and lives and works in in chicago and has been since then like instrumental in so much of my like spiritual journey. And then, a few years after the wedding not this was probably going on during it, but donna knows this I was working as um. I'd left teaching and was working as a educational sales rep for a company that I really liked. We made really good stuff, but I, you know it's a job that doesn't end and it is a. It is a grind, grind, hustle, hustle, grind, grind. And I was. You know, you have a goal and I was determined to like crush my goal, you know, to outer space and back, and I did.
Speaker 3:But I burned out. I got so ill. I was like having to pull over and like nap in my car. I just was ignoring all the whispers and all the screams of my body, and they truly were the whispers like or like your hair's falling out or your nails are brittle for a reason that is probably a vitamin deficiency, and then also like you fell asleep at the gym again, like it's not normal, my wife would be like you're sleeping on the ab machine, but you know what kind of a conditioning it takes for you to take your body there and to get on that machine and then you still and to fall asleep on it. I mean, I had hotels where I would go in and sleep in the lobby. When I was on the road, I could tell you, between Moreno Valley and Los Angeles I stopped at the Hampton Inn. I would go sleep by the pool because I couldn't get myself home.
Speaker 3:I was so exhausted but I was just like dragging my body around and I went to every single doctor and they, you know, had me tested for everything under the sun Sorry, my dog is barking and Western medicine could not find what was wrong with me. And when I was like I'm, I'm dying, I think I'm dying. Like I have no energy, I can't live my life, I'm not, I'm unable to do my job, I can't even drive. I couldn't go out to a restaurant. I was having like you know, I couldn't sleep my digestion, every single system in me was off, but nobody could tell me what was wrong. And then, finally, I had called Delfina and she was like you're completely burnt out. It's it's your adrenal glands, like adrenal fatigue. It's cortisol. Your hormones are out of whack. It's going to take you a long time to get better, because it took you a long time to get this sick and it really did. It took like years.
Speaker 3:But that was the beginning of my perspective shift, which is like, how do you fall asleep on a workout equipment and not think you need more rest? Yeah, it's this like productivity and, like you know, in the religion of productivity and this is especially true, I think, for women was I was like I have so much to prove. My body was something my brain dragged around and had to do what it was told or else I was going to get really mad at it. And it turns out my body was like girl. I have whispered, I have yelled, I have screamed, and now I'm going to clothesline you and it did.
Speaker 3:I passed out in the middle of the street on a vacation in Scotland and ended up in the emergency room and that was like the wake up call, where I was like I fainted in public when I was alone and it was so scary. And that's when I started taking my healing seriously and realized so much of this was how I was treating myself. It was this insane drive to be productive and to and hit my goals and to make money and all of these things. And I I always think of this one quote which means so much to me now, cause I never used to do it which is either choose to, either choose to make time for your wellness or you will be forced to make time for your illness.
Speaker 1:Yes, and.
Speaker 3:I had to spend. I spent everything I made, getting better but also getting that sick for that long and I mean like probably four years, I was like pretty low energy, low everything was the best thing that ever happened to me, because to get better I had to learn a whole different way of being and knowing myself and relating to the world. And I, you know, in an act of desperation, I went to like a Reiki class and it was the only thing that made me feel better. And then the wonderful Reiki master was like you should do Reiki two and then you should do Reiki three, and then I did Reiki four with Delphina's wife, marie, who's a wonderful Reiki master, and that path. And then I started Reiki. Everybody right, I was like doing my practicum. So here I was, like helping people, which was helping me. I took every class you could imagine, from like meeting your spirit guides to past life regression, Like I cause I couldn't do anything else but go to this one meditation studio that was down the street, which I was so grateful for and so ended up in this like masterclass.
Speaker 3:And in one of those classes this amazing woman walks up to me and I don't know this woman at all. And she goes you're real sick, huh. And I'm like, yeah, I'm just really struggling. And she goes let me do your chart. And I'm like I don't understand astrology. I'm pretty sure there's 13 constellations now. Like, how does it even work? Didn't throw it off by one. I'm not sure, I don't get it. And so she does my chart and she comes back with like 85 pages.
Speaker 3:The sweet woman, she's like let's go have tea. And she looks at my chart and she goes writer, writer, writer, writer, writer, writer, writer. She goes if you're not currently a writer and I mean a creative writer, that's why you're sick. You're so off your path. You have, you know, and she's going through all the houses and her name's Ann Slickter and she's she too is is an awesome writer. And so I was like, actually I have been noodling on the screenplay. I feel like I'm too old to break into this industry and I can't fetch coffee and I can't do this stuff. But then I really was like you know what, I'm going to go for it. I really like it, I really enjoy it. My first script was about like teaching in a school in South central Los Angeles during the day and then teaching at USC at night where I had, you know, complete opposite students.
Speaker 3:Right, I had so much trauma and pain and then I had kids that had like pet tigers and like a McLaren and it was like ripping my brain apart to go from, you know, south central to SC, and so my first script was just kind of a story about the confluence of those worlds as experienced through a teacher, and it got like it did pretty well at some festivals. I didn't know what I was doing, so I start taking classes and that was the beginning of like a 10 year journey of me mostly being the oldest person at UCLA extension but trying really hard, trying to make connections, getting out there. I had one, you know, try and get an agent, try and get a manager. And I had one, you know, try and get an agent, try and get a manager. And I had one guy meet with me says, oh, you have a really good voice, but you know, would you be a writer's assistant? They make like $4 a year.
Speaker 3:I was like I'm married, I have responsibilities, I can't, I can't come in entry level. Is there another way? And the guy kind of was looking at me like honey, don't quit your day job. And he said to me you would need to have a very rare and accelerated trajectory and I was like, cool, that's what I'm going to have.
Speaker 3:So I wrote it on like every month of calendar for 10 years I had rare and accelerated trajectory, because what that meant was I'd have to sell my own show. And to sell your own show is not just the odds, aren't, they're not even getting drafted into the nfl, they're being the number, like being like the top five draft picks to sell your own show. And I sold my own show last year. I saw that guy and I was like, do you remember what you said to me? A rare and accelerated trajectory. But so, yes, and since, like, I've sold a movie and um have like a bunch of other projects, but um, it, all of that, to say all of the hard, put me on the path to where I was, where I meant to be, but I wouldn't take. You know, I know you guys know what that's like.
Speaker 2:And, of course, I want to hear about the show and what you've written and the screenplay and the movie. I want to hear about all of it. It feels one.
Speaker 2:you're speaking my language, Trish, so I love hearing you talk about the astrology and the state of work and the Reiki and all of that, and for me it's very hopeful. It just it screams hope and I'm I think everybody listening to this will probably be sitting here with you know, jaw open, just kind of oh my gosh, like let me soak this in so as you're kind of sharing hope with others. What gives you hope?
Speaker 3:I think, the hope and I I mean I struggled with being hopeful and I was when, when I saw like the email, when you were like hope through, I'm like where is my hope? And then I even was like had to look up the definition of hope and I'm like where do I get this sense of like trust, like trust that it's going to be okay? And that's again why I picked the perspective thing, because once you can kind of shift your mindset from the, you know, woe is me. Why is this happening to me? To what did I learn from this? Like, truly, if I, if I could like take away that five years of me being sick, I wouldn't, I wouldn't.
Speaker 3:It did. It gave me everything that I needed for right now. And even right now I'm going through a bit of a hard time, but I keep going back to, you know, the trust in. I have to just trust that this is going to work out, because it always has, and it's just a matter of how we look at it. It's not always happening to us. Sometimes it's happening for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Even if we don't know it.
Speaker 1:So what is that thing? Do you think? What do you? What accounts for in you? That you know that, that you know to keep going, that you know that accelerated trajectory, that you know to keep going, that you know that accelerated trajectory users, that you know it and are willing to go forward. That I know that you've had validation after validation, but like there's something underneath that, I think, because I think the alternative is is not helpful.
Speaker 3:What's the alternative? To not, to not trying to? What am I supposed to do? Just sit here. I'm going to just shut this window because there's a I don't understand leaf blowers. I'm like Kate Blanchett in that way where she's like why are we just blowing them their leaves from one side to the other, like it really makes no sense and we're all crazy.
Speaker 3:But I think this, this, this sense of hope and trust, comes from. You're going to find evidence for whatever you think, wherever you look for it. So, for example, if my story is nothing ever works out for me, my brain will find evidence of everything that works out for me and it will literally discard all of the times when people have showed up for me or been there. And I think that mental reframe and Renee Brown says this so much better than me is, if you're looking for evidence as to why you don't belong, you're going to find it. And guess what? Nobody wants to go to Las Vegas with you or hang out with you because you're being a Debbie downer.
Speaker 3:But I had that. I had that tendency. I had that tendency towards like feeling like, oh, I'm a victim, or if I'm a, I feel like a fraud, or you know, all the things that I think are natural and reoccurring kind of universally in a lot of us. But once I stopped looking for the evidence of why it was true and being like let's look at all the ways that people have showed up for me at the exact perfect time right, like selling and writing that script, like I met the best professor, mentor who believed in me. I had the most wonderful women's writing group who all rallied and supported me.
Speaker 3:You know the script that was sold was about my best friend and I in college who had, you know, the most beautiful friendship of ages and how lucky I was to have that with her, and that this is a story that we can share. So it's about looking for all the things that I've just trained myself to try harder to look for, all the things that are working out, like Donna, out of nowhere, being like Tricia, would you be on this podcast and I? I needed it and I've been looking forward to this so much and I'm like see, that was like plucked from the ether, you know, and that that they chalk that up to to being like things are happening for me yeah, and things are happening for you all and everybody else who's listening to this. We, we just have to train our brain.
Speaker 1:Amen, sister, amen. So has there been anyone in your life who modeled this perspective?
Speaker 3:No opposite actually.
Speaker 1:No, that way right.
Speaker 2:Like that. It works just as much that way.
Speaker 3:No, I didn't grow up with any of this. Really, actually, that's a lie. I should say I had, and I'm looking at it right now. I had a neighbor, my Aunt Mare, who was significantly older than me, by 60 years or something, and she's like of the World War II generation and she was so you could not rattle her. And when I got older and I was teaching like eighth grade social studies, I used to do like she and my grandma, grandma Jo and Aunt Mare.
Speaker 3:I would have my students ask questions like what would you ask someone who was alive when Martin Luther King was shot or when the atomic bomb was dropped? And so they would ask the questions, and then I would film Grandma Jo and Aunt M Mary saying here's where I was, I was in downtown Chicago, or the bomb was the scariest thing ever, Cause we thought that's how life was going to be, that we were going to continue to drop atomic bombs on each other, which thankfully didn't happen. But again, and so they had these beautiful perspectives, having lived through really hard times and being women and, and you know, couldn't get a checking account until, like, couldn't have your own name on your checking account, and my grandma, who raised, like you know, three girls kind of on her own and was just, they were made of such tough stuff and they're and I attribute a lot of that to like their mindsets. We're lucky to be alive and we're lucky to live where we live and to have what we have, and it's not about wanting more, it's about being thankful that we have our health. And they both lived into old age and were so lovely.
Speaker 3:And I even remember my Aunt Mare once sitting in a chair and she was singing and I go, what are you singing? She goes well, I'm just thinking of all the patriotic songs I can think of because I want to keep my mind sharp and I thought that that was just like the most amazing thing ever that she was just like I'm going to do some mental training exercises before we even knew what that was and I always admired that in them, cause I don't even think they were aware of, like, how emotionally intelligent they both were. Yeah, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it totally does.
Speaker 2:You talked about this kind of shift in perspective that took place and a lot of things that led up to that shift. What would your I guess your adolescent self, your 13 year old self, say to you today? What would your I guess your adolescent self, your 13 year old self, say to you today what, what, what would, what would she think, what would she say?
Speaker 3:Oh, she was so naughty, um, I think. I think I would just like to tell her a few things honestly. Um, which is it's going to be okay, but I also and this quote's been flying around now for a minute but it is so good, which is it's going to be okay, but I also and this quote's been flying around now for a minute but it is so good which is that you grow into the person that would have protected you when you were young, and I think we need to be thankful for all of those versions of ourselves. Like, there was a part in my life in my twenties when I was just a very reckless like fighter, right when I was like I mean, I'm at like a fist fighting and and and and a really like self-destructive, belligerent kind of way, and I always, in my older age, look back on that and feel like pretty embarrassed that I was so dysregulated. But then I think, in my older age, look back on that and feel like pretty embarrassed that I was so dysregulated. But then I think, listen, my father was a professional boxer, that's there.
Speaker 3:And also I've always had, you know, a pretty strong injustice bone. So if I saw something, I didn't say something. I hit something which is not normal, but I'm working on like honoring that all those parts of me served a purpose and that in my twenties, the fighting and like the was all tied to this like rejection of myself, because I was gay and I had a very hard time in my kind of community and in you know, just in the time at my school and I had so much like oh, I'm going to bring shame upon the house of my family with this, and so there was so much inner turmoil. But also I'm here and that, those versions of me that protected me, even when I felt myself so unprotected. I owe them a lot because they got me through they. They got me through it. So it's okay that I fought a bunch and then I was a little out of control because, I learned from those versions of myself.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and now there's going to be a tv show about one of them exactly and imagine that that self wasn't your journey, you know, oh, my goodness, we'll see, we'll see. Talk about synchronicity and hope, like if you, if you could go back and tell that version of me like this part of your life might be on a tv um I mean it's it's getting a little redundant, I know, but it's with that hope at that core right.
Speaker 1:With that hope, with that that possibility, with that awakening. We know that that's there. We know that that's through the through line and there's this discovery and this expansion that's coming. We know that that's through the through line and there's this discovery and this expansion that's coming and it's the necessary place to be. And how gorgeous to share that too, because, right, that is how we all connect with one another and we can vibe with that and understand that and go, oh okay, me too, me too, possibilities for me too. That outreach and that vulnerability is just gorgeous. That's what this is all about, right, that we're doing.
Speaker 3:And the hope I think we find in each other comes from and you all are you do. This, I think, is the purpose of this podcast is like when you share your story, you give people permission to share theirs. This is also so important for our kids to see people being vulnerable, talking about having big emotions and like hey, I'm not proud of how I behaved or what I did when I was dysregulated, but there's there is hope there and a lot of times it's in another person who's lived through it, sort of with you. My favorite cartoon is of. There's like a person with an arrow sticking out of their back and there's somebody hunched over and they're comforting the person with the arrow in their back. But when you pull back, you see that the person who's comforting the person with the arrow in their back has a hundred arrows in their back.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And that's like you all and you know what I'm saying, and I got this little tattoo recently of an arrow, just to like remind me right.
Speaker 3:Like that, the thing that you live through the loss of a child or a husband or of parents you are now what you know, whether we like it or not, the most qualified helpful resource for someone else who will go through it and, because of your existence and your ability to like, walk or crawl through the pain, will give that person the hope for themselves, cause when things unimaginable like that happen, you think you're all alone in it. And then they meet someone who's like this happened to me six years ago or five years ago and here's, you know, you're're just, you're there with all your arrows trying to help them with their fresh one, and I think that's beautiful it's incredibly beautiful.
Speaker 1:Well, you, you are incredibly inspiring and I hope you know that and as your story gets out there, even more the inspiration oof all around. For sure that on the way, I know that's coming, and you've talked a little bit about your aunt mare, who was inspiring to you, and I'd love that you had that moment to be able to share about her. Who who today in your world offers you inspiration?
Speaker 3:Oh, good one. Wow, this I'm going to go with the first person that came to my head. Wow, this I'm going to go with the first person that came to my head which is so funny because I don't give her enough credit ever is my coauthor, alison Roser, who I've written. We've written now for SEL books. We just released a series for parents about nurturing a child's wellness and we did an SEL for parents and adults and she's we did an SEL for parents and adults and she's like a professional life coach, she's an SEL expert.
Speaker 3:She's just like the world's greatest human being and she's so good at the perspective and the reframe and she reminds me all the time when I have to do hard things. Full disclosure. I have a real slant towards, sometimes, the sadness of things. I can really kind of disappear into the woods, sometimes without even knowing it as much, as I'm sitting here and telling you guys how amazingly healed and evolved I am.
Speaker 3:I'm not. I struggle. I go into the forest all the time and sometimes have a hard time coming out, but she is always there to be like you have what it takes, you can get out of this, and then I'll, you know, call her and be like I don't know what I'm doing, it's too hard and she's like, she's the queen of the reframe and she means it truly and has been so helpful and I I try to be like her of all the people that I know to emulate, because I think she truly like walks in the light and it's very obvious to people she's going to die when she hears this All of my validation for her.
Speaker 3:Oh man, but yeah, I she's. She's my, my go-to for sure. Gorgeous.
Speaker 2:What Trish I, of course I'm picturing. Okay, here you are with your, your show, and you know Amazon, and you know, here you are walking up to accept your Emmy award, or or what would be your walk-in song?
Speaker 3:Oh, that's so funny there's. Well, I don't know that this would be my song, but I once saw this music psychic in this little psychic town called Lilydale, New York, and she said, when people walk in she hears a song. And I said, well, what was my song? And her song? She said it was Woman. I said, well, what was my song in her song? She said it was woman. I'm woman, hear me roar.
Speaker 3:So I don't know what the song will be, but I can tell you what I've always dreamed of my speech being, which was I could never understand, first of all, how anybody gets up there and says, oh, I didn't write anything. I really didn't think I was going to win. Dude, you were nominated. Write a speech just on the off chance of the five people nominated. You have to get up there so you don't put us all through the I don't have a speech, right, just write the speech. You've been nominated. Do us all a favor.
Speaker 3:I just think and I know you have to get up there and think like everybody on your team that made it happen and all the executives and all that's good and fine and fair, but I'm thinking you have the attention of what can be hundreds of thousands of people Like I would do something. So like hippie dippy and be like let us all close our eyes and let's all send energy to something or someone and let's just see if it works Right, like we're all like we like I don't know, I always I always was like I would use it as like an energy experiment. Yes, and be like let's all focus on this one thing, because we have everybody's like you at home, close your eyes, let's all picture it and then let's see if it changes. I would do something like that, um, and then probably get canceled by all the people.
Speaker 1:I didn't think that did a lot of work mr Mr Rock was saying right, it's the Mr Rock. Yes, yes, yes, I'll watch the time. My God, gorgeous. And what talk? Do we all remember that one?
Speaker 3:We remember. That's exactly right. You don't remember everybody thinking but then you got a bunch of agents like I can't believe she didn't say my name.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you already made a name for yourself by then. That's right. Get over it. Love that, okay. So as you go through this journey, my friend, and all of these gorgeous turns in the road and all of this evolution and expansion, there will come a time when you kind of shed the skin and move on to whatever is next for you. To whatever is next for you. How do you hope, or do you have any hope around, what your legacy is or how you will be remembered?
Speaker 3:Oh, I hope it's just like I would love there to be. That I somehow supported like a large change for children in education I think is my number one. I obviously care about everybody, but I've always felt called to help kids and I think there's been a weird shift culturally in the world where we don't like value, like what they have to say and how they feel about things, and I I just feel like they need more voice and more choice. And, um, I mean, I did like a kid Congress thing once with my students and this was truly by virtue of me being ignorant to I did not know how to do my job.
Speaker 3:The first year I started teaching I was in English as a second language teacher. I had no teaching credential, I just like spoke Spanish and they threw me in a classroom and I had a group of third graders and I said, and they were very varying levels of language proficiency, so in retrospect this was completely out of their like range in terms of like the language demands. But I didn't know, and so we did a model UN and I gave every kid their country, their resources, the size of their military, all the things that they needed, and kind of just said figure it out, and I had positioned some places had a lot more power than others and I wanted to see how they could use language. These kids, first of all, in like less than 90 minutes solved all of the problems, shared all of their resources. Like we're like wait, how much is my military cost? But you need it for what? No, and like they, I was like kid congress, why don't we have kid congress, kid congress, and we take some id, like just like, yeah, right, team congress like we congress is full of 90 year old, mostly white men who've had mostly those perspectives, when I'm not saying we give you know, little kids the button, but like let's hear what they have to say, especially in high school and kids in their, you know, young, young adults.
Speaker 3:And I always, I always think about that. I was like they figured everything out because there wasn't so much ego there and I thought it was beautiful. And they used language even beyond their abilities because they were so motivated by the power they felt they had, because I cared what they thought.
Speaker 1:And you went in open with that belief for them, and they took it and ran with it because no restriction there. You started with like well, I didn't know that this was beyond that.
Speaker 3:Well, it clearly wasn't yeah, I didn't know that I was supposed to not believe more in. You didn't get that memo, so that worked out same belief that allison has in you yeah, right, oh man, yeah, I'm not sharing this link with her.
Speaker 2:So I think I think it's time for us to kind of switch into the rapid fire questions. Oh man, let me hit my coffee real quick, take a go.
Speaker 3:Okay, I'm.
Speaker 2:I'm scared, throw some questions at you, and the first thing that comes to mind, go ahead and tell us. So what color is hope?
Speaker 3:Um, I saw yellow, but I don't know. Sounds good.
Speaker 1:What does hope sound like?
Speaker 3:I think it's like a high vibrational horn section.
Speaker 2:I like that. Like that Perspective is what A choice.
Speaker 1:Compassion is.
Speaker 3:I mean, I'm just going to say putting yourself in, like feeling someone else's feelings, like trying to really to care enough to put yourself in their shoes, but that's more empathy. But that's what I thought. Rapid fire is scary, guys.
Speaker 2:How about the soul? The soul is what?
Speaker 1:So much bigger than our body so much bigger than our body like that one of my greatest teachers in life is pain.
Speaker 2:Yes, girl um. The meaning of life is connection and hope is springs eternal, emily dickinson.
Speaker 3:hey, connection and hope is Springs Eternal, emily Dickinson. Hey, these were hard. You guys are hard.
Speaker 2:I can get myself Wow, oh, gosh Okay.
Speaker 1:Love it so much. Oh my gosh, I have loved every second of talking.
Speaker 3:No, thank you all. Thank you all. I really appreciate it. You're wonderful.
Speaker 1:More Trish DePazio in my life. So for sure this conversation continues. And yes, yeah, there for a cup of coffee or whatever.
Speaker 3:I absolutely Thank you so much, friends. I had so much fun.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you. So how can? What do you, what do you want to say about what you have coming out, how people can find you, how they can follow you? Oh, I mean, that's about me.
Speaker 3:And if you're a parent or you know a parent and they are looking for some like tips or tricks or little ways to help regulate emotions in their kids, like K through eighth grade, we have Alice and I. The books are out, published by Teacher Kated Materials and Shell Publishing, free Spirit Publishing I could probably be getting this wrong, but you can find them on the TCM website or Amazon. You can Google Tricia DeFazio. We also, if you're a teacher, have Social Emotional Learning starts with us. I just like people getting access to those books because there's such so much wisdom in there and we worked really hard on them. And then maybe you'll see a TV show, but I don't want to jinx it so I'm not going to give the name, but you'll know it when you see it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're seeing. We're seeing it now I feel it it's coming, okay, okay.
Speaker 2:I see you get your Emmy, so I'm already there.
Speaker 3:Well, we'll have to figure out our big thought experiment. We'll have to brainstorm the way to do that Awesome.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Trish. Thank you, thank you, thank you all.
Speaker 3:I appreciate it. Take care you too, you too.
Speaker 2:All right, thank you.
Speaker 1:Thanks for joining us today on Soul Sisteries and thanks for sharing stories with us today on Soul Sisteries, and thanks for sharing stories with us. We'd love to hear your stories as well and keep the conversation going, absolutely keeping the hope going. So we're really hopeful that you'll connect with our guests as well, who have great stories to share. Go ahead and follow them in various social media platforms or live venues, wherever it is that they're performing and sharing what they do.
Speaker 2:We would love to have you follow us on all of our social media platforms, subscribe and rate, as that will help us get our message of hope out to others. Thanks for listening to Soul Sisteries.
